


The Raccoon Problem

by WrittenKitten



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cool, Crime Fighting, Eric Cartman Being An Asshole, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Fights, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Skinny Dipping, Sleepovers, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24182266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrittenKitten/pseuds/WrittenKitten
Summary: The kids have long ago gotten tired of playing superheroes, except mostly Kenny and Cartman with Butters causing some havoc once in awhile around the city.The games have gotten a bit more violent though and it's a bad time for Mysterion whenever encountering Coon while on the lookout for crime on dark nights. Most often their encounters end with lost teeth and bruised arms.Professor Chaos is there to help though one unlucky night when Mysterion gets the shit beaten out of him.
Relationships: Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Mysterion/Professor Chaos (South Park)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 57





	The Raccoon Problem

"YOU _**WANTED**_ TO FIGHT, HUH?!" His grin was sharp and maniatic. He snarled staring into the other boys masked profile."You..-you practically _asked_ for it."

The Coon steadily lifted the other up by the collar, Mysterion squirming in agony as he desperately tried to free himself. 

Encountering Coon while on the lookout was already a mishap, but getting into an unnecessary brawl with him was **_definitely_** unneeded. 

Coon chuckled."It's really stress revealing being able to beat shitheads like **_you_** in to the ground." He paused, tightening his grip." Can't go a single day without seeing **RATS** like you around the streets. Come on, this is **_MY_** town! Get out of here!" 

"No it's **FUCKING NOT**!" Yelled Mysterion exasperated, his voice cracking slightly in the middle. 

He quickly swinged his legs up, hitting Coon in the chest that resulted in him losing his grip on Mysterion. 

Mysterion was just about to land on the roof floor when he felt someone grab his leg, piercing its claws through the skin. 

Mysterion groaned in pain as he froze up. 

" _YOU FUCKING BITCH_! " Yelled Coon holding Mysterion up by the leg. With all his powder he swung the hero over his head, slamming Mysterion straight on the floor, causing it violently crack. 

Mysterion was unable to act before it was too late and the Coon had started to kick him. The last continuous blow was to his stomach before the other hero went limp. 

… 

Kenny felt hazy opening his eyes. Everything hurt and nothing seemed okay.

It was idiotic to keep on going out for lookouts. It was dangerous and stupid, just to try to keep some of the town safe. He was only one poor boy in a crime filled town,once again laid on a roof bleeding out. Coon sure was a narcissistic cunt, still jealous of the popularity Mysterion raked in among the folk. Coon didn't even seem like a hero now four years later, not to Kenny nor the public. The raccoon still desperately tried his best to seem like one though. 

As his eyes finally readjusted he was met with two piercing blue eyes,eatch staring directly at him. Kenny jumped back, a weird gasping noise escaping his mouth as he was interrupted out from his thoughts. 

"AHHH!" A weirdly familiar voice screamed, it aswell jumping back as if it wasn't expecting Kenny to be waking up so soon. 

Kenny shifted up to lean on his palms, directing his gaze to the figure beside him.

"Butters?" 

" _ **AHHH**_! Oh god, I forgot to put on my desquaise!" Screamed Butters, shifting himself to search for his helmet. 

"Butters! I know you're Professor Chaos. It's common knowledge. Calm down!"

"Oh.. I guess I was just kinda silly there for a moment." Supposed Butters sheepishly scratching the back of his head. He was seated beside Kenny on his knees, his helmet beside him. 

This sure was a weird coincidence to say the least to meet Butters of all people right now. 

Kenny was all kinds of hurt. Scratch marks, bruises and wounds plastered all over his body. Small puddles of his own blood surroundings him. 

"What are you doing here Leo?" Asked Kenny looking over his aching body. He sure needed to patch a lot of shit up for this costume. 

Butters looked surprised for a moment before answering."I was just spying over stuff from up here on the roofs when I noticed you." Butters took a moment to look up at Kenny, his eyes landing on a scar that Coon had a hand in making on his cheek with the use of his claws. Butters moved his hand over and slowly started to trace the sides of the wound carefully, his finger slightly hovering."What happened to you?" 

"Coon." Answered Kenny simply,ignoring the weird gesture on his cheek.

Butters frowned, removing his hand in favour to look back into the eyes of Kenny. 

"Do you want to go to the pharmacy?" 

… 

Kenny sat himself on the bench beside the front door with a little help from Butters. The little angel had been as nice as to even help Kenny make his way with him to the pharmacy building, letting Kenny lean himself on his shoulders for support. 

The lighting was a weirdish teal green and the outside smelled like cheap cigarettes. There wasn't a single person or vehicle outside on the street, but he supposed it would be expected due to the time. 

Butters tore his cape and gloves off and handed them over to Kenny along with his helmet. 

"Wait here Kenny, okay. I'll be back in just a moment."And with that the little blond had disappeared into the pharmacy building. 

Kenny smiled, feeling blessed. 

He took the opportunity of the remainder from Butters before he would forget about it again and tore his desquaise off as well. Even if there weren't many people out right they didn't need the excess attention.

He leaned back into the backrest of the bench and pulled out his phone. 

A message displayed itself on the screen. 

Stan

we're doing the sleeping on the roof tonight

Attached was a picture of two sleeping bags, one red and the other blue laid on the roof. They were inside a poorly made pillow fort contraption with some snacks, two bags and water. 

Suddenly a new message popped up. 

Stan

kyles mom kinda freaked so might as well do it on the roof :) 

Kenny smiled, the light of the phone screen lighting his face up in the dark. 

You

Jealous!!

With that he closed his phone. He heard the door of the pharmacy door chimb again. 

"Okay. So I got you this to clean up the wounds and some bandages and plasters to cover or seal them up." Informed Butters, some sort of bottle in his right and a small plastic bag in the left. He then sat himself beside Kenny, his expression filled with worry as he examined a bit closer on the wounds. 

" Butters, you shouldn't have. Don't waste your money on me." Kenny mumbled,starting to seem a bit agitated in his tone."You know I could have just _died_ and they would be gone the next time I wake up. I've been telling people about this for years. If you could just be-" 

"Kenny, stop saying that! You're bruised and that has to be fixed."Declared Butters, lowering his head." Now give me your arm."

Butters started fixing up the wounds. Cleaning them out and patching them up. He didn't really seem to want to talk much or even make eye contact. He just swiftly worked on Kenny. 

"Do you.. believe me?" Asked Kenny, his voice quiet. The greenish lamp flickered above them. 

"It wouldn't be impossible." Answered Butters shortly. He glanced up at Kenny before he placed a bandage by his collarbone. "But now, we should really go wash your clothes.."

Butters seemed weirdly coy as he for a moment looked away towards the street. He momentarily pulled his short blond hair back with his fingers before looking back. "We could go swim while we're at it."

Kenny grinned and nodded. 

As they started walking away with their stuff in their hands, a figure lurked behind them. 

" _ **Traitor**_.." 

… 

Coon sat up on a balcony reck. It wasn't his balcony but he was the hero of this city, he could at least sit wherever he placed for just a moment. 

With a few swipes and taps he was finished and started the call at last. 

"What is this?!"Was the first thing to sound in the group video call. It was Stan, sitting in a sleeping bag with his pyjamas on." Why are you making a fucking group call this late?!"

" _Welcome **heroes**_."Greeted Coon with a wide smirk. He had leaned his phone on a pole that stuck out from the balcony rales at a corner. He completely ignored Stans question and went on. "I've got something of great importance to annoyce."

Most of the people that were invited to the call weren't even there as they were probably off asleep. The only "heroes" that had accepted the call where Toolshed, Mosquito, Tupperware and Captain diabetes. 

A red head poked up into view on Stans camera, a groan escaping the figure.

" _Stan_ , you didn't expect the call from Cartman, did you?" Groaned Kyle. Stan awkwardly laughed and moved a bit to the side when more of the redhead moved into view. Kyle stared right into the camera and began moving his finger slowly closer to the screen. 

"NO **NO**! KAHL **_PLEASE_**!!" Begged Coon suddenly alert but he was too late and Stans call disconnected. " Fuckin' jew.."

"Jesus why do you have to call so got damn late? We haven't played superheroes in like **_years_**." Groaned Token. You could barely see him in the camera as he probably had just woken up from Coons group call and hadn't bothered to turn the lights on. 

"Yeah." Agreed Clyde with a jawn, sitting by his kitchen table eating cereal with a crack look. His hair was messed up, the peach fuzz that he had refused to shave off because he was one the first boys in class to grow one, the powdered sugar around his mouth and the blood shot eyes where to no help.

" _Guys_ ,but this is seriously!" Assured Cartman and held his hands up in defence. "I just saw.. _**Mysterion**_ and _**Professor Chaos**_ together - and that like Chaos was taking care of like Mysterious wounds and shit. Like the one and only _**Mysterions**_ teaming up with _**Chaos**_!" 

"Guys, I can't talk right now. I'll get in trouble." Whispered Scott squinting at the camera as his phone screen lit up his face. 

"Come on Cartman, Butters and Kenny hang out like all the time, it's not a big deal."

Clyde smirked, nodded and licked around his mouth in search for the powdered sugar and just passed out, landing face first into his fruit loops cereal bowl causing the milk to splash everywhere. 

" **_SERIOUSLY_** -"

… 

The two sat on the beach, a beautiful sunrise background sky. The wind softly freely playing with their hair. 

Kenny sat on a big cliff-rock thingy that was particularly sunken into the clear water. He summerged his costume in the water, feeling the cool water on his fingers.

"You sure that you want us to swim?" Asked Kenny with a smirk looking over at Butters. 

Butters grinned shily and fixed a strand of hair out of his face."Y-yeah." He paused."I just don't know how we're going to do that, you know."

"We could always go skinny dipping." Offered Kenny with a shrug. That suggestion made Butters visibly a bit uneasy as his cheeks puckered up so Kenny quickly added."Or then you can just borrow my Mysterion costumes underwear. I've never used them, promise."

That seemed to do the trick because Butters immediately calmed, but one question still lingered on his mind. 

"Well what are you going to be swimming in then, Ken?" 

"Naked, I need a shower anyways."

…

When Butters came out of the small public changing booth outside on the beach Kenny was already submerged in water. He was floating in the water, his crotch dangerously close to the surface.

"Hey buttercup!" He greeted with a big grin. "I see those briefs sure fit you well. Would you mind turning around so I can get a look from behind as well."

He wiggled his eyebrows which caused Butters to chuckle. Shily he turned around. 

"Mm… Mhmm.. mhm.. looks pretty good to me." Kenny teased making Butters chuckle once more. 

"Okay, are you done there dummy?" Wondered Butters turning back to face the other boy once more, a faint blush tinting his cheeks as he playfully smiled.

"Yeah yeah, just come over here already." Said Kenny and let his feet land on the sandy sea floor.

From the bushes arose a figure. It glared as Butters moved over to the shore and dipped one of his toes carefully into the water. 

He jumped up in fright the second he got in contact." IT'S **COLD**!" He yelped, which triggered a chuckle from Kenny . 

With a grand reveal Coon jumped out of the bushes. 

" **Mysterion**!" He clamped his jaw shut hard, his fangs glistening in the light of the bright dramatic yellowish red sunrise as he growled."I _thought_ you were a **_real_** hero." Coon started walking towards the two, Butters backing away in defence as he stepped closer. "Not just some _**skank**_. You're better than this."

"Oh come on Cartman! Stop with this nonsense." Groaned Kenny annoyed. 

"FIGHT ME!" 

"Dude! Not now."

"You chicken? Come on, **FIGHT ME** for the greater of good!"

"No dude! I'm serious, I _can't_." 

"Come on! It's not that hard. Why couldn't you fight me?!"

"Because I'm NAKED!" 

Coon looked shocked like he wasn't expecting an answer like that. He looked over at Butters, his face contouring into a grimace. 

"Geez, you guys are into some weird shit." He muttered. "Well, I guess are fight will have to wait. Goodbyes _ **Mysterion."**_

And with that the Coon ominously left the seen. 

**Author's Note:**

> What the hell do you think Clyde was doing that late at night? I sure have no idea.


End file.
